It would never happen… but a girl can dream.

I must admit I’m jealous of the coffee-stained mug’s brim that gets to meet your sleepy lips every morning. I envy the linens that cling to your embodiment as you embrace your slumber with exhausted sighs that should be escaping you not before bed, but between each deep kiss from which I’d seemingly never let you escape. I bet you wouldn’t need a brush if I could run my fingers through your pillow-styled hair before breakfast. I know there are ghosts in your stomach and demons in your head, but the tenants don’t define the property. All I’m saying is this green ambrosia and infiNetflix would be a lot better, if I could share them with someone cool and I bet that neither friend nor kin of yours finds you as interesting as I do- maybe it’s best we’re thousands of miles apart, I’m tempted enough to lose sleep over you as it is. 

It’s so frustrating to have these words pushing hard against the inside of my lips, scrambling out of my brain in attempts to lighten this heavy heart of mine, burdened by concepts of lost love, love to be, daydreams of you. 

These words can’t escape. My lips are locked too tightly to let sentiments slip through the cracks and collapse this foundation of self preservation and security.

Security; false security, provided by this wall, filled with ghostly bricks, echoing the sound of me sighing in worry that one day you’ll be one of them. 

And perhaps most saddening of all is my dire wish that I could share these thoughts with you comfortably and without fear of your response.

Or the fact that none of my words would really change anything

Because after all, the boy who cried wolf was eventually ignored

you’re not good enough

That echo in my head:

You’re not good enough

-ough

-ough

Tried silencing 

But the beats rang louder

-OUGH

-OUGH

clapped my ears ‘til

the waves caused vibrations

and crumbled the infrastructure of

this fragile cave of mind

-ough

-ough

you’re not good enough

enough

-ough

The little girl grasped the leg of a familiar;

She looked upon him with respect and glory,

The same way we look to admire city ‘scrapers:

Astounded by their size and authority.

She opened her mouth, but he interrupted;

He said, with a frown, “I have to leave you now,

I’ve got some things to take care of:

They’re things you don’t understand.”

She responded, nearly in tears;

The words barely escaped her mouth,

“But you’ll be back, right? You won’t leave me:

You love me.”

He fondly smiled at her, and tousled her hair;

He plucked the flower from her hair and put it in his pocket,

And said “Of course I will, darling:

I love you more than the sun shines.”

He loosened her grip on his leg, and hugged her;

He promptly proceeded to walk away,

His long legs carrying him off to the horizon:

To bigger places for bigger people.

She was left there alone, tears brimming in her eyes;

She looked around for the face of a familiar,

But there were no legs to grasp:

Only her empty hands and wandering eyes.

                We layed in the grass,

watched the seasons pass

                ‘til the earth beneath

was dead and dry,

                So when you ask yourself

why my love persists,

                remember those nights

beneath the sky.

                Remember the bleachers-

The diamond and sand?

                When we were coy-

So young and shy?

                Now all that’s left

is small chit chat,

                a casual glance,

that last goodbye.

sadder songs

for some reason, you rent a permanent space in my head
and all of your shouting used to drive me mad!
but i silenced you with harsh words, blaring emotions and wounds to the soul.

i got what i wanted,
you’re quieter now
(but your songs are sadder too) 

4,30,12

I can’t handle restrictions. I can’t handle boundaries or limitations. I hate to sound so god damn cliche but I really feel like I’m just meant to fly free. I don’t want to have to feel like I’m “settling” down; I want to feel like I want to slow down with someone. I feel like things just drift away from me and go right beyond my reach. It’s like if someone isn’t on my wavelength, we can’t hear each other and can’t be near each other. I don’t want things that way. I don’t mean to push people farther and farther but I just lose interest in everything. I’ve lost a lot of people because of it. I don’t know what to feel, how to feel; all I know is that I feel something. I wish someone could recognize the way I need to be free and yet held down at the same time. I wish somebody understood how to handle me. Some people do, they just don’t realize it. Most people don’t. I don’t even know how to handle myself (I’m getting there.) 

adventure.

I want adventure and modest living.
I want to make forts with twinkle lights and live in tents in back yards and if I’m brave enough, the forest.
I want to travel the country in a trailer with someone I love, selling tie dye tee shirts and bracelets and oranges and tomatoes. 
I want to be called up at 3 am, whisked away from my home and taken to an all night diner. 
I want to roller skate with someone at night around my neighborhood and end up at the park, looking at the stars and evading headlights of police.
I want to go to shows with someone who encourages me to throw down.
I want to learn boxing and martial arts and meditate with someone.
I want to go late night pool hopping and run away from hotel police. 
I want someone special to share these experiences with me. 

I don’t want this settle down life

College, career, children?

I never realized how terrified I am until now.

i feel so fucking uncomfortable in my own skin, it’s ridiculous.